Sportsmanship: Teaching Kids How to Lose Gracefully and Healthy Part II

"No fair!"

"You cheated!"

"It wasn't my fault we lost!"

Have you ever played on a team with somebody who hated to lose? Or maybe you have a tough time if you lose anything — even a game of ping pong. Such omnipresent multimedia messages combined with a "winning is everything" philosophy embraced by increasing numbers of parents and coaches - makes it harder than ever for adults to teach kids that it's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game that's important. Some kids find it extra-hard to lose, but everyone needs to learn how to do it. Learning to lose without losing your cool is a skill, like learning to ride a bike. You might not be able to do it at first, but over time it will get easier. And when you can handle losing, people will call you a good sport.

Why Learn to Lose Gracefully?

Everyone wants to win. But any time two teams or kids are facing each other in a game or contest, someone will lose (unless it's a tie). Kids lose in small ways, like in a game of checkers, but they also might face losing in bigger ways, like when their team loses a championship game. Losing is disappointing, so it's not surprising that kids don't like it. Adults don't like it either.

I can remember just four years ago how competitive and caught up in my flag football games I would get. I got so caught up that many of the female team members (it was a coed team) stated that they didn't want to play on the same team as I ever again or they didn't want to play anymore altogether because of my conduct when we would lose. I never was able to (until recently) grasp and learn to lose without losing my cool. Everyone can learn to control how they react to a loss. In other words, what should you do when you lose?

The tricky part is that sometimes you might react before you even realize it. For example, I can remember when I was in high school playing junior varsity football, my best friend at the time played for the cross town rivals. We were clearly suppose to have beat them but we were off and they were on that night. Needless to say, we lost within the last two minutes of the game. Instead of being a good sportsman and shaking his hand, I shook everyone else hand as we walk down the line to congratulate them on a superb performance, and walk off the field without speaking to him. It took me a whole week before I had cooled off and returned any of his calls to apologize for my actions.

In addition, it's not surprising that the rise in bad sportsmanship -- and outrageous behavior in professional sports has resulted in a parallel increase of poor sportsmanship (e.g., trash-talking, violence) in youth sports. Regardless of whether we caution our kids to NOT idolize professional athletes who behave badly, kids will continue to be influenced by the behavior of the pros.

How can you instill in your child the importance of good sportsmanship and offset the "win at all costs" philosophy? Both parents and coaches can start by focusing on these issues:

Tips for Parents

# Be Your Child's Role Model. Offer praise and encouraging words for all athletes, including your child's opponents. Never openly berate, tease, or demean any child athlete, coach, or referee while attending a sporting event. When attending athletic events or watching them on TV with your child, refrain from criticizing or condemning athletes' performances.

# Do You Have A Hidden Agenda? Be honest with yourself about why you want your child to play organized sports. What do you want them to gain from the experience? Are your intentions based on providing them with pleasurable, social activities that develop a better sense of self-worth, skills, and sportsmanship? Or do you harbor dreams of them turning their topspin forehand into a collegiate scholarship, or riches and fame? A child's participation in sports and the importance attached to it should not be driven by a parent's desire to use their child's sports accomplishments for ulterior purposes.

# You Set the Rules. It's ultimately your responsibility to teach your children good sportsmanship, both as a participant and as a spectator. If you observe your child engaged in poor sportsmanship, regardless of whether their coach corrects them or not, you must discuss your child's misbehavior and insensitivity with them after the game. If a coach is ignoring, allowing, or encouraging poor sportsmanship, you need to make your objections known to the coach in a private discussion.

# Watching and Learning. Whether you're watching the Olympics on TV or attending a high-school sporting event, you can always find "teachable moments" regarding sportsmanship. Ask your child their opinions of: players who showboat and taunt their opponents; the costs to the team of a technical foul, or being ejected from a game for unsportsman-like conduct; and the appropriate behavior of opposing players toward one another after a game. During these "teachable moments" ask them open-ended questions and listen more than you talk or lecture.

Tips for Coaches

Coaches nurture good sportsmanship. They should embody parents' values regarding good sportsmanship. A coach must model good sportsmanship at every level and make it a core goal of his work with kids.

I recommend that every youth sports coach engage their players in a detailed discussion of good sportsmanship as soon as they forms their team. A written contract, perhaps titled The Good Sportsmanship Code, should be given to every child and parent to sign. The contract should spell out what the coach expects from each player in terms of good sportsmanship, including the following areas:

* Cheating
* Losing one's temper
* Negative criticism of teammates, coaches, referees, and opposing players
* Blaming teammates for mistakes or a poor team performance
* "Trash talk" and taunting opponents
* Showboating
* Arguing referees' calls and judgments
* The need to congratulate one's opponents after a game

Coaching children is an honor and a privilege that carries with it a moral responsibility to contribute to the healthy character development of young players. Coaches who equate "trying your best" as the definition of success -- and who value, expect, and demand good sportsmanship from their players -- help shape the moral, ethical, and spiritual character of children.

Communicate often with your child's coach to make sure they takes this responsibility seriously.

Here are some ways that your child can show others what good sportsmanship is all about:

and finally Tips for the Athlete

1. Be polite to everyone you're playing with and against. No trash talk — which means saying mean things while you're in the middle of a game.
2. Don't show off. Just play your best. If you're good, people will notice.
3. Tell your opponents "good game!" whether you've won or you've lost.
4. Learn the rules of the game. Show up for practices and games on time — even if you're the star of the team.
5. Listen to your coaches and follow their directions about playing.
6. Don't argue with an official if you don't agree with his or her call. If you don't understand a certain call, wait until after the game to ask your coach or the official to explain it to you.
7. Don't make up excuses or blame a teammate when you lose. Try to learn from what happened.
8. Be willing to sit out so other team members can get in the game — even if you think you're a better player.
9. Play fair and don't cheat.
10. Cheer for your teammates even if the score is 1,000 to 1! You could inspire a big comeback!


I leave you with two quotes from two famous coaches. The first is from Joe Paterno, Penn State Head Football Coach, "Success without honor is an unseasoned dish. It will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good. And the last comes from John Wooden, former UCLA basketball coach, "Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful.

Reference: FamilyEducation.com
Personal Trainer in Charlotte, NC

Teaching Kids How to Lose Gracefully

My mother use to tell me that even though I was a great athlete, I was a terrible loser! I can remember playing little league football and getting so upset with losing I would cry myself to sleep in the car. I can remember getting angry at my teammates after a lose and wanting to fight them because they didn't take the lose as bad as I did. I can also remember in high school standing in front of the whole varsity team screaming obscenities and challenging everyone of them to fight me after practice because they we had lost the week before which knock us out of the playoff hunt. I also recall, locking myself in the house during the weekend after losing games on Fridays and shutting down to the point that I won't take phone calls and talk to my own mother.

One particular lose stands out the most. It was my ninth grade year, we were undefeated and were squaring off against our cross town rival. Our coach wanted so bad for us to win, as did I, because all my middle school friends now went to this school and were at the game. We lost bad. When I say bad the score was us- not enough to them- pick a number to infinity. The coach was so upset with us, but he wasn't upset because of the lose per se, it was the style of losing that we displayed. The team had given up completely before the end of the third quarter which we could have clearly come back and won the game. He was so mad that the next Monday, we ran the majority of the practice. After practice, he sat us down and explain that losing wasn't the issue. He told us that it's how you deal with loses and adversity. Now that was the first time I had heard the word adversity used so after practice I had to go home and not only soak from all the running but find a Webster's Dictionary and learn what the definition of adversity meant. He explained that life was like a football game. Some days you win, some days you lose, but those days that you lose are more important because it's how you recover and come back from those loses that matters the most. Needless to say, we went on to win out the rest of our season. (I think the running put the fear of God and coach in us and it had nothing to do with his speech).

I have revisited coach's speech many days after when I have had to deal with a tough project, my business, relationships that haven't worked out the way I wanted them to, and my personal life in general. I always remember that its how you deal with adversity that really matters not the actual lose per se. I had the opportunity to read a book by John C. Maxwell entitled Failing Forward. In this book, the author talks about the major difference between achieving people and average people is their perception of and response to failure. Maxwell takes a closer look at failure-and reveals that the secret of moving beyond failure is to use it as a lesson and a stepping-stone. He covers the top reasons people fail and shows how to master fear instead of being mastered by it. I believe that sports are a great vehicle, when taught properly, to assist young athletes with learning to embrace mistakes and failure instead of avoiding it altogether.

If you look at some of the great inventors and pioneers of this great country you would see that they had magnetism towards failure and mistakes. Look at Abe Lincoln he failed miserably in a lot of ventures before going on to become the world famous President of the United States that freed the slaves. Henry Ford is another that was mistake prone with the T model car. Likewise, others such as Albert Einstein, Benjamin Franklin, Alexander Graham Bell were also advocates to learning from their mistakes to become successful. Basketball great, Michael Jordan once stated that "people are quick to remember the shots that go in; however, there are more that you missed than you actual make."

Youth sports provide children with a number of benefits. It takes them outdoors and away from the television, computer, XBox, whatever. It helps to teach them how to be a part of a team. It helps to teach them how to work as a part of team and how to understand that everyone can have a valuable role to play.

And from an entirely different perspective it provides a great place to teach children how to lose. Winning is easy. Anyone can win, but losing is not so easy. Learning how to lose is a good way to learn how to deal with adversity. It is a way to help develop coping skills and that is a critical part of raising a healthy child.

This lesson is relatively simple; however, in the country and society we live in, it is one that is not taught on a daily basis. Many times when we are playing games with others we are going to lose. You cannot win every time, even the greatest athletes lose a game here and there. If you don't believe me, think of Tennessee Titan quarterback, Kerry Collins. He is now the poster child for how to deal with failure successfully and resurrect your career.

In fact it is easier to win than to lose. Tonight think about incidents that has occurred in your life in which you lose rather in sport career, in personal life, or in your business/ career. Think about how you handle it gracefully and what lessons did you learn from it.

Until then keep moving.

Personal Trainer and Sports Psychology Consultant in Charlotte, NC